it's funny, even though following a dream can take a long time and waiting tables sucks and all the stuff ya gotta do just to survive... I feel lucky. I feel lucky to be in love with something so much. To love music so much. To still have so many dreams with it... 

recently I kinda felt like I was settling, even in music... I feel like I woke up to a lot of things this year.. half of my brain is like, oh my god I don't know what's gonna happen and then today, I was dreaming again.. I felt optimistic... and in love, with the music... and I miss the piano all over again. I miss the pop songs I used to write.. I missed letting myself veer into whatever genre I thought was cool. I thought I had to choose an angle for the business, be successful, fit somewhere, anywhere, but I really only care about doing good work I realized. I really only worry about writing great songs and great production and I'm always reeling in my head thinking like oh my god I need the songs to be so good, how am I gonna do it... they have to be really great or there's no point. but sometimes it's intimidating - writing, when you have pressure on it. so I digress, I feel lucky to be dreaming and having this deep desire to push myself and push the envelope and my own boundaries musically again. like, I want to do whatever I think I can't do. I got scared I think (no I know I did). but not taking chances isn't living really, it's playing it safe. Yea it's scary, like what if you find out you can't do it, but what if you find out you actually can learn and get better and figure out how to do the thing you wish you could do. 

I just don't want my career be about doing everything perfectly, I want to grow, I don't want to stay in a box or a genre or play a game. or feel like some clock is ticking on a career. I just want my main focus to be making good music.